I'm having trouble getting out of my own head today. I keep on wanting to know what my Higher Power wants me working on, what am I supposed to do? Or be doing? Is there some action I should be taking? My experience in my 12-Step program tells me that what I need to do will be put in front of me, I don't need to go looking for it. I'm having trouble 'getting' that today.

I think I should take action in my life, mold it into the shape I want. But, if I've turned my will & my life over to my Higher Power, then I should wait for instructions, eh? In the meantime, do what I normally do, yes?

Society tells me that I should take life by the shoulders & shake it into shape, my shape, make it the way I want it. My program says my path will be revealed to me, all I have to do is listen, be open to the urgings of the Spirit. Ah! That's what I haven't been doing! I've been been trying to outline, deduce what God wants me to work on. But! That blocks out being able to hear God's instructions, or receive inspiration. Because my intensive search for the answer, my focus on my search, and on what I expect to find or see, keeps me from hearing or 'getting' anything other than my own line of reasoning, my own expectations.

Thanks for the help!

Courage Doesn't Have To Be Big

I'm a chicken. A wimp. So, I'm practicing courage in small ways.

For example, today I had a CT scan to examine my pancreas. I was scared to have it. I'm scared of the results. I'm scared they'll find something I don't want to deal with -- like pancreatic cancer. Not that I have any symptoms -- but we get scared anyway, don't we?

I woke up an hour before I had to, I was so anxious. I spilled the barium prep solution, so got more nervous that they would delay the test. When they hooked me up to the IV contrast solution, I got more nervous -- I hate IVs, and what if I had a reaction to the contrast media?

This afternoon, I have an appointment with the surgeon to talk about having my gall bladder removed, because I have a gallstone. I don't want my gall bladder removed. It'll upset my digestion, change what I can & can't eat; very probably will change my bathroom habits, at least temporarily. Can you see me at the counter at work, telling a customer, "Hold on, I'll be right back" and running for the restroom? I don't want it.

What am I so afraid of? The unknown. Things wrong with me that are hidden & silent, and, if found, I'll have to do something about. Not being healthy, anymore. Being ... damaged. And the bills! Yoicks! This one test today was $1700! My insurance only pays 80% I'll be paying off medical bills the rest of my life.

So, for me, courage means walking thru this process. No, it's not as big as running into a burning building, or fighting the wildfires in California. I'm not skydiving, or scuba diving, or going into space. It's not even as if there was a reward at the end of the tunnel. I'm not ill & miserable, this isn't going to cure me. It's avoiding something that will/may develop, in the future. Correcting a problem before it becomes serious.

Just garden variety courage. The kind most human beings summon up to deal with life on life's terms.

Restless, Irritable & Discontent

I got off work & opted not to stop at the grocery store because it was rainy & cold & I was hungry -- altho I could see clear skies coming in from the west. Came home, ate a bit too much dinner, which made me feel like sitting still -- ooff! So I played on the 'Net & here. Now, it's almost 8:30 and I feel better, feel like being around people. Feel like going out.

Except -- now it's too late. A lot of people I know are at a meeting that started at 8pm. Too late to go there. Running over to my son's to hang out is out -- I have work tomorrow & I need to leave at 9pm on work nights. Too late for that.

I could -- call a friend. But I'm expecting a phone call from another friend sometime in the next half hour.

I could -- do my nails. They need some attention.

I could -- take this opportunity to do some self-care stuff, like lotioning my skin, (see nails above), I dunno, girl stuff.

I could -- do the dishes.

I could -- go to bed early.

Probably the best thing would be to go for a walk, but that's not a good idea in this neighborhood, at this time.

I feel restless; I'm irritable because nothing I CAN do fits my mood; I'm discontent because life doesn't go my way.

Maybe I should just pray.

Oregon's Measure 50

A vote on 2 Measures is coming up in November here in Oregon. One involves a(nother) tax on cigarettes. You could've expected that. Smoking & smokers are fair game currently. It's OK to discriminate against them, and treat them as pariahs. If people of color were treated as smokers are -- there'd be a lawsuit by the ACLU faster than you can say those initials. But, because smokers are indulging in an evil & dirty habit -- they're OK to target. Didn't the AMA classify alcohol and drug addiction as a disease -- a medical condition? Does nicotine addiction fall under that classification? That's one point.

The nasty thing about this particular "sin tax" is that, if Measure 50 passes -- cigarette taxes will be written into the state constitution, specifically. Excuse me? The concept of taxation is written into constitution(s). But to specify, in a State Constitution, items to be taxed. No. That's plain wrong.

Now, the proceeds from this tax are designated to go to provide health insurance for (currently uninsured?) children in this state. Except, only about 30cents of each dollar collected will end up there. The other 70 cents will get eaten up by administrative costs. Hmmmmm -- even if you hate smoking & smokers, now this doesn't seem like much of a benefit. Unless the actual benefit is creating a new department of the government, thus having the State employ more people, therefore giving more people (including their children?) insurance coverage.

Don't forget that State employees are paid by taxes. And, in Oregon, they're Union members.

Now, let's add to the equation the probability that, when the tax goes into effect, some people are going to quit smoking. Some smokers will finally decide: that's it, too expensive. This has happened at each step the anti-smoking lobby has taken to restrict smokers. This has happened each time a taxing body has raised cigarette taxes. The tax base shrinks. So, the proposed income from the tax, supposed to pay for this, this & that -- is not there. Therefore, whatever is supposed to be funded by this tax -- no longer has the projected funds. Hmmm, not an efficient way to fund a whole new governmental department, to say nothing of providing health insurance for children. The projected money won't be there!

Let's review: #1) Write a tax for a specific product into the State Constitution. Dangerous precedent.
#2) Create a new bureaucracy that will use up the majority of the funds realized.
#3) The projected income from this tax will not be realized.

How will the new bureaucracy and the promised children's insurance be funded then?

What would be funny is, if this Measure passes, every smoker in the Oregon quits smoking. Ha, ha, ha! How will the politicos & lobbyists keep their promises then?

I'd like to see that scramble.

Why Whine

Where is Tesla's invention & why is it not being used? Oh! Wait! Oil companies, and automobile industry -- why do I even ask? Don't you think if Amoco bought the patent & brought the device out itself, that that would generate income?

Why are some people are so rich & I'm not? I did everything they did -- college education, major companies. Oh! Wait! I forgot to step on others for my own aggrandizement!

Why do people we send to Washington come back changed? What do they learn there that gives them the attitude that we have no clue as to what's really going on? What IS really going on? And why do they assume that if they told us the truth, we'd panic? Wasn't one of the tenets of this country an informed populace?

Why is there never enough money for what America needs, but plenty to send overseas to governments who then spit in our face?

Why do companies check your credit before hiring you, and then maybe don't hire you if you're having financial trouble? Doesn't it occur to them that having more income MIGHT resolve the financial problems? Hel-LO!

Why do people think they can win an argument by calling names? Don't they have enough evidence or logic to make their point on its own merits?

What To Blog?

Whatever should I say?

I feel like I should have some political comments. So -- why can't we all play nice?

I'm in my mid-50s, and I've heard this same crap in every election I've paid attention to since I was 18. Will it never stop? Does everybody have to trash the other in order to get their point across?

Why isn't it enough to say, one way or another, "I'm the better person for the job. These are the things I think are important and intend to work on. Please vote for me."

Every time I hear someone outraged about the latest political corruption or malfeasance, I just think "The boys are at it again!"

Isn't it sad that I've got that attitude?

What's sadder is that some of us have simply come to expect this kind of behavior from our "leaders." Is it OK? No!

Should the perpetrators be prosecuted? Yes!
Do we need an expensive 3-ring circus to prove that they broke the law, or betrayed our trust, or used the influence of their office for favors? No!

Don't waste any more of my time or my tax money. They screw up -- prosecute, put 'em out of office, elect a replacement and move on.

Do the job I/we elected you for. That's what you're getting paid for. If you want to play games, go back to the playground.