Courage Doesn't Have To Be Big

I'm a chicken. A wimp. So, I'm practicing courage in small ways.

For example, today I had a CT scan to examine my pancreas. I was scared to have it. I'm scared of the results. I'm scared they'll find something I don't want to deal with -- like pancreatic cancer. Not that I have any symptoms -- but we get scared anyway, don't we?

I woke up an hour before I had to, I was so anxious. I spilled the barium prep solution, so got more nervous that they would delay the test. When they hooked me up to the IV contrast solution, I got more nervous -- I hate IVs, and what if I had a reaction to the contrast media?

This afternoon, I have an appointment with the surgeon to talk about having my gall bladder removed, because I have a gallstone. I don't want my gall bladder removed. It'll upset my digestion, change what I can & can't eat; very probably will change my bathroom habits, at least temporarily. Can you see me at the counter at work, telling a customer, "Hold on, I'll be right back" and running for the restroom? I don't want it.

What am I so afraid of? The unknown. Things wrong with me that are hidden & silent, and, if found, I'll have to do something about. Not being healthy, anymore. Being ... damaged. And the bills! Yoicks! This one test today was $1700! My insurance only pays 80% I'll be paying off medical bills the rest of my life.

So, for me, courage means walking thru this process. No, it's not as big as running into a burning building, or fighting the wildfires in California. I'm not skydiving, or scuba diving, or going into space. It's not even as if there was a reward at the end of the tunnel. I'm not ill & miserable, this isn't going to cure me. It's avoiding something that will/may develop, in the future. Correcting a problem before it becomes serious.

Just garden variety courage. The kind most human beings summon up to deal with life on life's terms.