When a man has a connection with a woman - when she makes his head swirl and completely captivates him, and she feels the same with him -- this is what we all reach for, yes? This is true love, a soul mate, the prize we all dream of having.
Except, women who have been able to do that, have, in times past, been killed for being witches. Especially if she captivates the wrong man -- such as the leader of the Church, or a married man. Or many men.
It was too easy, in times past, for a man to explain his womanizing by blaming the woman -- the cry of "Witch!" was enough to exonerate him, and make sure she got run out of town, or killed.
The women who had that special sparkle, or the capacity to love totally, were weeded out - prevented from reproducing. What was left were those who could cast down their eyes, not fight back, tolerate loveless or brutal marriages "for the sake of the children."
But don't we all want, with the deepest fiber of our being, that complete connection with another person? Don't we all want our world to sparkle, to thrill to the other's breath on our skin, in our hair?
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Sunday, October 9, 2011
99% AND 53%
I am the 99%
I am a 58 year old divorced white woman. I have a degree in Biology. I worked in my field for almost 10 years. Then I "mommy-tracked" for 5 years, raising the 4 children we adopted from foster care. When I went back to the workforce, I was divorced & responsible for 2 of my children. I took whatever job I could get. I've never taken government aid except for 9months of Unemployment Insurance (which I figure I earned after working since I was 17), in 2009. I moved into a roommate situation while I was unemployed to reduce my expenses. I work in a call center, which pays my living expenses. I work OT to have anything more. I just recently got back into my own apartment. After working all my life, I have $1200 in retirement savings. I can't see any way I can retire. Social security won't pay me enough to pay rent, Medicare, etc -- altho I've paid into it with every paycheck I've ever gotten. I don't have enough time to re-build a 401(k). I got my education, paid my student loans back, worked all my life, volunteered at my church(es) & community. I will work til the day I die. I am the 99%
I am the 53%
I am a 58 year old divorced white woman. I put myself thru school working part-time & with loans, which I have paid back. We bought 2 houses. When banks told us we could afford more of a loan than we were applying for, I looked at our budget, and said "No we can't." I am responsible for my budget, not the banks. We adopted 4 special needs children from foster care. We raised our children, participated in their schools and their activities, in our church. After the divorce, it's been a scramble to keep the head above water. Except for 9 months on Unemployment, I've worked every day, paid my bills and taken care of my family as best I could -- with no help from the government. There are days I don't feel like getting out of bed. I do anyway. I work in a call center, nothing close to my degree. I show up every day and work OT when I can. I save what I can. I buy clothes & furniture at St. Vinnie's, shop the dollar stores. I take my lunch & coffee in a thermos every day. I make my own way in this world. I am the 53%
Both of these pictures are true. I resent people who, tho able-bodied, live off the government -- off MY taxes. I don't think any true American begrudges help to those who need it. I believe most are like me, willing to give when & where it's truly needed, resentful of those who play the system, who don't even try.
So, as OccupyWallStreet plays out -- I agree that corporate greed that places profit before either people or right behavior is wrong, and needs to be reined in. I want to see an end to the worldwide banking community dictating America's policies.
But I also wonder whose money is paying for the Occupiers to sit out of life in New York -- and the other places the protests are occurring? Are Mommy & Daddy paying your way, so you can protest against the companies that pay them? The devices you use as you sit in the park and march down the streets are better than I can afford. Are your parents paying your way -- or is the government -- which means ME?
Are you registered to vote? DO you vote? I do -- every single election since I turned 18.
I believe we absolutely have the right to protest whatever we see as wrong in our government.
I also believe we have the ability, & the right, in this country, to work for what we want. Do you see the mega-corps as evil empires? Don't buy their products. Don't work for them. Don't owe money on their credit card. Save up & pay cash. Save in a credit union, or small, locally-owned bank.
I believe in Dave Ramsey's Great Recovery. Get out of debt & save money. We need to go back to handling our money the old-fashioned way. This will help each individual, and, on the way, help the country.
I don't know the ultimate answer. I only know what I believe is the right way to live my own life. I'm getting myself out of debt. I'm saving money. I won't patronize BoA, Chase (and I owe them money), or any of the other megas.
However, I will invest in companies that are working for MY dreams.
I am a 58 year old divorced white woman. I have a degree in Biology. I worked in my field for almost 10 years. Then I "mommy-tracked" for 5 years, raising the 4 children we adopted from foster care. When I went back to the workforce, I was divorced & responsible for 2 of my children. I took whatever job I could get. I've never taken government aid except for 9months of Unemployment Insurance (which I figure I earned after working since I was 17), in 2009. I moved into a roommate situation while I was unemployed to reduce my expenses. I work in a call center, which pays my living expenses. I work OT to have anything more. I just recently got back into my own apartment. After working all my life, I have $1200 in retirement savings. I can't see any way I can retire. Social security won't pay me enough to pay rent, Medicare, etc -- altho I've paid into it with every paycheck I've ever gotten. I don't have enough time to re-build a 401(k). I got my education, paid my student loans back, worked all my life, volunteered at my church(es) & community. I will work til the day I die. I am the 99%
I am the 53%
I am a 58 year old divorced white woman. I put myself thru school working part-time & with loans, which I have paid back. We bought 2 houses. When banks told us we could afford more of a loan than we were applying for, I looked at our budget, and said "No we can't." I am responsible for my budget, not the banks. We adopted 4 special needs children from foster care. We raised our children, participated in their schools and their activities, in our church. After the divorce, it's been a scramble to keep the head above water. Except for 9 months on Unemployment, I've worked every day, paid my bills and taken care of my family as best I could -- with no help from the government. There are days I don't feel like getting out of bed. I do anyway. I work in a call center, nothing close to my degree. I show up every day and work OT when I can. I save what I can. I buy clothes & furniture at St. Vinnie's, shop the dollar stores. I take my lunch & coffee in a thermos every day. I make my own way in this world. I am the 53%
Both of these pictures are true. I resent people who, tho able-bodied, live off the government -- off MY taxes. I don't think any true American begrudges help to those who need it. I believe most are like me, willing to give when & where it's truly needed, resentful of those who play the system, who don't even try.
So, as OccupyWallStreet plays out -- I agree that corporate greed that places profit before either people or right behavior is wrong, and needs to be reined in. I want to see an end to the worldwide banking community dictating America's policies.
But I also wonder whose money is paying for the Occupiers to sit out of life in New York -- and the other places the protests are occurring? Are Mommy & Daddy paying your way, so you can protest against the companies that pay them? The devices you use as you sit in the park and march down the streets are better than I can afford. Are your parents paying your way -- or is the government -- which means ME?
Are you registered to vote? DO you vote? I do -- every single election since I turned 18.
I believe we absolutely have the right to protest whatever we see as wrong in our government.
I also believe we have the ability, & the right, in this country, to work for what we want. Do you see the mega-corps as evil empires? Don't buy their products. Don't work for them. Don't owe money on their credit card. Save up & pay cash. Save in a credit union, or small, locally-owned bank.
I believe in Dave Ramsey's Great Recovery. Get out of debt & save money. We need to go back to handling our money the old-fashioned way. This will help each individual, and, on the way, help the country.
I don't know the ultimate answer. I only know what I believe is the right way to live my own life. I'm getting myself out of debt. I'm saving money. I won't patronize BoA, Chase (and I owe them money), or any of the other megas.
However, I will invest in companies that are working for MY dreams.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
The Battle of the Sexes is Real!
Jordan woman killed in hospital over pregnancy
They're killing us.
Why did we ever hook up with them in the 1st place? Why did we believe them when they said they'd "protect" us, take care of us? Who do they protect us from? Other men! Catch-22. Unless you have a man protecting you, you are at the mercy of any other --- MEN!
I'm not a man-hater. I'm not lesbian. I believe that the perfect reflection of God is the melding of man & woman. I believe "the 2 shall be as 1" is really true. The co-creative relationship of male & female is a synergy wherein the 2 individuals become a new creation that is more than the sum of it's parts. And best reflects the Almighty.
I like strong men. Men who want a partnership with the woman they love, and understand that one of their roles in that partnership is to protect & care for the woman when she is childbearing & -rearing. Not to make the woman les, but to preserve what they love.
That re-creation of God is not possible when one half of the reflection feels they can beat, abuse & kill the other half. It is not possible if men own women. It's not possible if women are seen as not-people.
Millennia of oppression in culture after culture leave me with one reaction to another report of this strange mindset in men. It's not outrage. It's not resignation. It's not activism. My response: Kill Him.
Do you think if we kill every man who abuses a woman, kills a woman (or child for that matter) -- maybe we'll remove the genes for that kind of deviant behavior from the human race? Can we get to them before they breed?
They're killing us.
Why did we ever hook up with them in the 1st place? Why did we believe them when they said they'd "protect" us, take care of us? Who do they protect us from? Other men! Catch-22. Unless you have a man protecting you, you are at the mercy of any other --- MEN!
I'm not a man-hater. I'm not lesbian. I believe that the perfect reflection of God is the melding of man & woman. I believe "the 2 shall be as 1" is really true. The co-creative relationship of male & female is a synergy wherein the 2 individuals become a new creation that is more than the sum of it's parts. And best reflects the Almighty.
I like strong men. Men who want a partnership with the woman they love, and understand that one of their roles in that partnership is to protect & care for the woman when she is childbearing & -rearing. Not to make the woman les, but to preserve what they love.
That re-creation of God is not possible when one half of the reflection feels they can beat, abuse & kill the other half. It is not possible if men own women. It's not possible if women are seen as not-people.
Millennia of oppression in culture after culture leave me with one reaction to another report of this strange mindset in men. It's not outrage. It's not resignation. It's not activism. My response: Kill Him.
Do you think if we kill every man who abuses a woman, kills a woman (or child for that matter) -- maybe we'll remove the genes for that kind of deviant behavior from the human race? Can we get to them before they breed?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
News & Messages
Spiritual shift yesterday:
1) I don't have to work a traditional/conventional job. What a concept!
2) Old people are awesome! Their bodies remember their "moves" even if they can't really do them any more.
What this all means, I have no idea. But there it is.
1) I don't have to work a traditional/conventional job. What a concept!
2) Old people are awesome! Their bodies remember their "moves" even if they can't really do them any more.
What this all means, I have no idea. But there it is.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Air Conditioning Conspiracy
I came to this conclusion back in the 1970s -- before the term "global warming" had been coined. As I passed office buildings in Chicago, on my way to work, the air conditioners sticking out of the walls blew hot air into already hot city summer streets. It occurred to me that this might be adding to the heat. If the way to cool indoor air was to blow hot air outside -- do you think that might make it hotter outside? And, looking up, knowing that new buildings had central air conditioning, with the blowers on the top of the buildings, blowing that heated air into the sky, I just knew that would cause some kind of climate change.
As we became more & more dependent on computers, going to desk-tops, rather than a central computing facility with stations in each department, temperature control offices became more & more important. Air conditioning became ubiquitous.
When the hole in the ozone layer became alarming, air conditioners were changed from cooling with CFCs to using HCFCs and other less damaging compounds. But nothing's been done about the huge amount of heat they spew into the surroundings. It's not even talked about.
Then we began hearing about global warming. It was because of cars, and heating our homes, and pleasurable things. Nobody spoke of air conditioners, or keeping computers cool. That's not even talked about.
I say air conditioners are the reason for global warming! And, I think, that because the computers want to stay cool -- they are making sure no environmentalist group starts to holler about air conditioning & what it's doing to the environment. It's a conspiracy!
Think about it -- it's cooling season somewhere on the Earth all the time.
As we became more & more dependent on computers, going to desk-tops, rather than a central computing facility with stations in each department, temperature control offices became more & more important. Air conditioning became ubiquitous.
When the hole in the ozone layer became alarming, air conditioners were changed from cooling with CFCs to using HCFCs and other less damaging compounds. But nothing's been done about the huge amount of heat they spew into the surroundings. It's not even talked about.
Then we began hearing about global warming. It was because of cars, and heating our homes, and pleasurable things. Nobody spoke of air conditioners, or keeping computers cool. That's not even talked about.
I say air conditioners are the reason for global warming! And, I think, that because the computers want to stay cool -- they are making sure no environmentalist group starts to holler about air conditioning & what it's doing to the environment. It's a conspiracy!
Think about it -- it's cooling season somewhere on the Earth all the time.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Love & Manipulation
Today I took my son to Detox. Yay!
Since I dropped him off, it's become clearer & clearer to me the many ways I've been manipulated. Not only by him, -- and, by him, not only in this issue -- but by my ex-husband, who was pretty sure what he was looking at but sent Son cross-country to Mom anyway rather than tackle the issue himself, and by my oldest son & his wife, altho that was rather less, but by them backing me into a corner where I had to confront an issue with an adult child. I'm not sure it even was my issue to confront! Regardless, even if it was/is my issue to deal with -- I was left out there, hanging in the wind, naked & ashamed, with no support, shoulder to cry on, advice, yadda, yadda, etc., etc. Alone again, naturally.
I'm sure some of this is self-pitying BS, but it IS how I'm feeling, at the moment. Rationality and compassion may return later. At this moment -- this is all about me and how y'all have done me wrong.
Our book says to look at how we have made decisions that put ourselves in a position to be hurt. Well, the biggest thing that puts me in a position to be hurt is loving someone. Anyone. Doesn't matter who -- child, adult, relative, friend. They're all looking out for their own best interests. No one is looking out for MY best interests. Except me.
Is that the way it's supposed to be? Did I miss something somewhere? If I look out for myself, at your expense, I'm selfish & self-centered. If you look out for yourself, that's only to be expected. I should not expect others to take care of me. That's a Catch-22 with me on the short end all the time.
OK. This is the child who, growing up, would assess a situation where he wanted a boon, determine what we parents would most want in exchange for that privilege, provide it, and get his way. I never thought of that as manipulative, since it was always clear what he was doing & why. I also thought it was a great skill to develop, since that's pretty much the way the world works.
After the divorce, he stepped up to my right hand. He assumed the "man-of-the-family" role, which I appreciated (and needed) in many ways -- but I also had to back him down, at times, from taking too much of that role on. He wasn't the Dad, altho he was the oldest male in our little 1/2-household. In time, he realized that my continuing emotional mess was to his advantage -- I was too exhausted & distracted (mostly by my daughter's drug & alcohol abuse & rehab & relapse) to stay on top of his doings. He got away with a lot. He could always put a convincing spin on questionable behavior that would get me to back down. If I wouldn't back down, he'd take the behavior elsewhere. For the most part. Not always. Like, when I had to start putting my wallet & car keys under my mattress when I slept so he & his friends couldn't use my car and debit card in the middle of the night. I didn't kick him out -- I removed the near occasion of sin.
I didn't want to believe he was stealing from me, because I didn't want to believe he would hurt me like that. I was making less than $10/hr -- how can you steal from a poor (literally) mom? Who would do that? Please don't tell me it was my right hand son! But, what happened to my mother's china? Hmmmm?
To me, it was personal. Bad behavior had to do with whether my children loved me or not.
So, Son's been manipulating me for years. I know/knew this. When I moved out here, he started getting sick. I think he expected me to come running home! When I didn't, he was hurt & felt abandoned. That wasn't quite the start, but the incidences increased. Actually, his "illnesses" started when he was 18, legally an adult, with me/us no longer responsible for him.
I have a queasy feeling that he really wants a Mom to take care of him, almost in a child-like way. He won't actually take my advice about his health or lifestyle, but I think he wants to be cared for. Like, he wants us to live in the same place. I'd live next door to him, but I don't want to live in the same place. This idea almost makes me nauseous.
I feel like the Ex-Husband manipulated me by not telling me the full truth about what he was seeing & deducing in Son's behavior. I feel left out to dry by my Other Son & Wife, left to deal with this overwhelming burden by myself. I understand why -- they have their own burden. And, oh! I know what that burden is. But they are 2 to share it -- and I'm alone. NOT fair!
So, I will access others to help me thru this. Can't count on family. Can't count on anyone -- except me.
And -- the Son in Detox just called. He's at the hospital with constipation, and the Detox doesn't want him back for a couple more days. So, whenever he's out of the hospital from the constipation -- he's back here.
*sigh....
No more loving people. You just get manipulated.
Since I dropped him off, it's become clearer & clearer to me the many ways I've been manipulated. Not only by him, -- and, by him, not only in this issue -- but by my ex-husband, who was pretty sure what he was looking at but sent Son cross-country to Mom anyway rather than tackle the issue himself, and by my oldest son & his wife, altho that was rather less, but by them backing me into a corner where I had to confront an issue with an adult child. I'm not sure it even was my issue to confront! Regardless, even if it was/is my issue to deal with -- I was left out there, hanging in the wind, naked & ashamed, with no support, shoulder to cry on, advice, yadda, yadda, etc., etc. Alone again, naturally.
I'm sure some of this is self-pitying BS, but it IS how I'm feeling, at the moment. Rationality and compassion may return later. At this moment -- this is all about me and how y'all have done me wrong.
Our book says to look at how we have made decisions that put ourselves in a position to be hurt. Well, the biggest thing that puts me in a position to be hurt is loving someone. Anyone. Doesn't matter who -- child, adult, relative, friend. They're all looking out for their own best interests. No one is looking out for MY best interests. Except me.
Is that the way it's supposed to be? Did I miss something somewhere? If I look out for myself, at your expense, I'm selfish & self-centered. If you look out for yourself, that's only to be expected. I should not expect others to take care of me. That's a Catch-22 with me on the short end all the time.
OK. This is the child who, growing up, would assess a situation where he wanted a boon, determine what we parents would most want in exchange for that privilege, provide it, and get his way. I never thought of that as manipulative, since it was always clear what he was doing & why. I also thought it was a great skill to develop, since that's pretty much the way the world works.
After the divorce, he stepped up to my right hand. He assumed the "man-of-the-family" role, which I appreciated (and needed) in many ways -- but I also had to back him down, at times, from taking too much of that role on. He wasn't the Dad, altho he was the oldest male in our little 1/2-household. In time, he realized that my continuing emotional mess was to his advantage -- I was too exhausted & distracted (mostly by my daughter's drug & alcohol abuse & rehab & relapse) to stay on top of his doings. He got away with a lot. He could always put a convincing spin on questionable behavior that would get me to back down. If I wouldn't back down, he'd take the behavior elsewhere. For the most part. Not always. Like, when I had to start putting my wallet & car keys under my mattress when I slept so he & his friends couldn't use my car and debit card in the middle of the night. I didn't kick him out -- I removed the near occasion of sin.
I didn't want to believe he was stealing from me, because I didn't want to believe he would hurt me like that. I was making less than $10/hr -- how can you steal from a poor (literally) mom? Who would do that? Please don't tell me it was my right hand son! But, what happened to my mother's china? Hmmmm?
To me, it was personal. Bad behavior had to do with whether my children loved me or not.
So, Son's been manipulating me for years. I know/knew this. When I moved out here, he started getting sick. I think he expected me to come running home! When I didn't, he was hurt & felt abandoned. That wasn't quite the start, but the incidences increased. Actually, his "illnesses" started when he was 18, legally an adult, with me/us no longer responsible for him.
I have a queasy feeling that he really wants a Mom to take care of him, almost in a child-like way. He won't actually take my advice about his health or lifestyle, but I think he wants to be cared for. Like, he wants us to live in the same place. I'd live next door to him, but I don't want to live in the same place. This idea almost makes me nauseous.
I feel like the Ex-Husband manipulated me by not telling me the full truth about what he was seeing & deducing in Son's behavior. I feel left out to dry by my Other Son & Wife, left to deal with this overwhelming burden by myself. I understand why -- they have their own burden. And, oh! I know what that burden is. But they are 2 to share it -- and I'm alone. NOT fair!
So, I will access others to help me thru this. Can't count on family. Can't count on anyone -- except me.
And -- the Son in Detox just called. He's at the hospital with constipation, and the Detox doesn't want him back for a couple more days. So, whenever he's out of the hospital from the constipation -- he's back here.
*sigh....
No more loving people. You just get manipulated.
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