Today I took my son to Detox. Yay!
Since I dropped him off, it's become clearer & clearer to me the many ways I've been manipulated. Not only by him, -- and, by him, not only in this issue -- but by my ex-husband, who was pretty sure what he was looking at but sent Son cross-country to Mom anyway rather than tackle the issue himself, and by my oldest son & his wife, altho that was rather less, but by them backing me into a corner where I had to confront an issue with an adult child. I'm not sure it even was my issue to confront! Regardless, even if it was/is my issue to deal with -- I was left out there, hanging in the wind, naked & ashamed, with no support, shoulder to cry on, advice, yadda, yadda, etc., etc. Alone again, naturally.
I'm sure some of this is self-pitying BS, but it IS how I'm feeling, at the moment. Rationality and compassion may return later. At this moment -- this is all about me and how y'all have done me wrong.
Our book says to look at how we have made decisions that put ourselves in a position to be hurt. Well, the biggest thing that puts me in a position to be hurt is loving someone. Anyone. Doesn't matter who -- child, adult, relative, friend. They're all looking out for their own best interests. No one is looking out for MY best interests. Except me.
Is that the way it's supposed to be? Did I miss something somewhere? If I look out for myself, at your expense, I'm selfish & self-centered. If you look out for yourself, that's only to be expected. I should not expect others to take care of me. That's a Catch-22 with me on the short end all the time.
OK. This is the child who, growing up, would assess a situation where he wanted a boon, determine what we parents would most want in exchange for that privilege, provide it, and get his way. I never thought of that as manipulative, since it was always clear what he was doing & why. I also thought it was a great skill to develop, since that's pretty much the way the world works.
After the divorce, he stepped up to my right hand. He assumed the "man-of-the-family" role, which I appreciated (and needed) in many ways -- but I also had to back him down, at times, from taking too much of that role on. He wasn't the Dad, altho he was the oldest male in our little 1/2-household. In time, he realized that my continuing emotional mess was to his advantage -- I was too exhausted & distracted (mostly by my daughter's drug & alcohol abuse & rehab & relapse) to stay on top of his doings. He got away with a lot. He could always put a convincing spin on questionable behavior that would get me to back down. If I wouldn't back down, he'd take the behavior elsewhere. For the most part. Not always. Like, when I had to start putting my wallet & car keys under my mattress when I slept so he & his friends couldn't use my car and debit card in the middle of the night. I didn't kick him out -- I removed the near occasion of sin.
I didn't want to believe he was stealing from me, because I didn't want to believe he would hurt me like that. I was making less than $10/hr -- how can you steal from a poor (literally) mom? Who would do that? Please don't tell me it was my right hand son! But, what happened to my mother's china? Hmmmm?
To me, it was personal. Bad behavior had to do with whether my children loved me or not.
So, Son's been manipulating me for years. I know/knew this. When I moved out here, he started getting sick. I think he expected me to come running home! When I didn't, he was hurt & felt abandoned. That wasn't quite the start, but the incidences increased. Actually, his "illnesses" started when he was 18, legally an adult, with me/us no longer responsible for him.
I have a queasy feeling that he really wants a Mom to take care of him, almost in a child-like way. He won't actually take my advice about his health or lifestyle, but I think he wants to be cared for. Like, he wants us to live in the same place. I'd live next door to him, but I don't want to live in the same place. This idea almost makes me nauseous.
I feel like the Ex-Husband manipulated me by not telling me the full truth about what he was seeing & deducing in Son's behavior. I feel left out to dry by my Other Son & Wife, left to deal with this overwhelming burden by myself. I understand why -- they have their own burden. And, oh! I know what that burden is. But they are 2 to share it -- and I'm alone. NOT fair!
So, I will access others to help me thru this. Can't count on family. Can't count on anyone -- except me.
And -- the Son in Detox just called. He's at the hospital with constipation, and the Detox doesn't want him back for a couple more days. So, whenever he's out of the hospital from the constipation -- he's back here.
*sigh....
No more loving people. You just get manipulated.
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