I saw tonight that I've been trying to re-create, for myself, the life I had when I was married. This has been my response to having a life I liked taken away from me. "Well, if we aren't going to have the life I want, I'll just give it to myself!"
I saw how that attitude has kept me chained to the past, including the pain of the divorce. I was constantly looking at what I'd had, comparing it to what I had now, and feeling less than. I've been unable to let go. In addition, I'd been trying to do what I'd done before, to achieve that kind of life, and it hasn't worked. Get a corporate job, move up a few rungs, get comfortable financially, and live as I did before.
It hasn't worked. I've had so little energy. When I think of possible new steps at my job, the energy & enthusiasm just drain away. When I think of doing the same thing for the next 11yrs -- I feel desperate & futile.
I have a new life! I can't have a New Life by doing the same old things. I did that already. Not that they were wrong -- just they were right for then, but not for now.
Everything changed and I've tried so hard to put it back the way it was -- to prove that nothing has changed.
God has put me someplace new, and I've refused to budge/change.
I need to be open to the new, open to possibilities, open to being changed.
I've been scared to change more than what has been changed for me. I felt more secure if I kept everything else the same. I could point to things and tell myself I was still OK.
What if where I'm supposed to go is better than I can imagine? What if what I'm supposed to do means no more immobilizing fear?
Wow.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Do I Work Hard For My Money?
I've always had a thing about making sure you knew I worked hard, that my job was hard, that I was justified in feeling tired or cranky at the end of the day.
** This was all before I knew what a Job doing all that actually was. **
I got married in 1974, when we were just edging out of the expectation that a woman would work until she had children. Women who had children & continued to work were either lawyers, doctors or some other type of high-powered professional; or they were single moms (not well-thought of), or had a dead-beat husband who couldn't/wouldn't provide for them.
I was determined to continue my precious career (I didn't know what it was, but by God, I was going to continue it!), I wasn't going to be relegated to the back seat financially in our relationship, always dependent on my man's good graces for every penny! I was going to contribute! My job wasn't just for pin money.
My job was not a joke.
So I made very sure you understood how hard I worked.
I think this thought process is no longer serving me. I think I've incorporated the "I work hard, I'm tired" concept internally way past the point of positive returns. Now I truly am always tired. Not as a justification - but really.
In the midwest, it was common to have other activities after work. No one I knew went home & vegged on a daily basis. People kinda looked at you funny if that's all you did. Getting out of work was the starting point for your "real" life. On moving here, I discovered most people thought an 8 hour day, 5-6 days a week, to be horrendous, and that one should take it easy after work.
I admit, I absorbed that concept -- it fed my "Look at how hard I work" meme. But now, I find myself longing for personal time, sleep, time to myself to do what I want with no expectations from others. My 8-9 hours a day seems too much. My job feels hard & tiring, like it sucks the energy out of me.
Is that true, am I tired? Or is it only my belief system? Is it truly different & more draining working a full week at 59, or am I starting to believe my own "advertising"?
I'm not sleepy-tired after a work day, but I'm out of enthusiasm, out of energy. I just want to be left alone. Most of the time, after a meal and about an hour and a half of vegging here on the 'puter, I'm ready to do something.
I need a better way to think about working. I'm going to experiment with changing my thoughts. See if that changes my energy level.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Sparkling Love - Connection
When a man has a connection with a woman - when she makes his head swirl and completely captivates him, and she feels the same with him -- this is what we all reach for, yes? This is true love, a soul mate, the prize we all dream of having.
Except, women who have been able to do that, have, in times past, been killed for being witches. Especially if she captivates the wrong man -- such as the leader of the Church, or a married man. Or many men.
It was too easy, in times past, for a man to explain his womanizing by blaming the woman -- the cry of "Witch!" was enough to exonerate him, and make sure she got run out of town, or killed.
The women who had that special sparkle, or the capacity to love totally, were weeded out - prevented from reproducing. What was left were those who could cast down their eyes, not fight back, tolerate loveless or brutal marriages "for the sake of the children."
But don't we all want, with the deepest fiber of our being, that complete connection with another person? Don't we all want our world to sparkle, to thrill to the other's breath on our skin, in our hair?
Except, women who have been able to do that, have, in times past, been killed for being witches. Especially if she captivates the wrong man -- such as the leader of the Church, or a married man. Or many men.
It was too easy, in times past, for a man to explain his womanizing by blaming the woman -- the cry of "Witch!" was enough to exonerate him, and make sure she got run out of town, or killed.
The women who had that special sparkle, or the capacity to love totally, were weeded out - prevented from reproducing. What was left were those who could cast down their eyes, not fight back, tolerate loveless or brutal marriages "for the sake of the children."
But don't we all want, with the deepest fiber of our being, that complete connection with another person? Don't we all want our world to sparkle, to thrill to the other's breath on our skin, in our hair?
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Sunday, October 9, 2011
99% AND 53%
I am the 99%
I am a 58 year old divorced white woman. I have a degree in Biology. I worked in my field for almost 10 years. Then I "mommy-tracked" for 5 years, raising the 4 children we adopted from foster care. When I went back to the workforce, I was divorced & responsible for 2 of my children. I took whatever job I could get. I've never taken government aid except for 9months of Unemployment Insurance (which I figure I earned after working since I was 17), in 2009. I moved into a roommate situation while I was unemployed to reduce my expenses. I work in a call center, which pays my living expenses. I work OT to have anything more. I just recently got back into my own apartment. After working all my life, I have $1200 in retirement savings. I can't see any way I can retire. Social security won't pay me enough to pay rent, Medicare, etc -- altho I've paid into it with every paycheck I've ever gotten. I don't have enough time to re-build a 401(k). I got my education, paid my student loans back, worked all my life, volunteered at my church(es) & community. I will work til the day I die. I am the 99%
I am the 53%
I am a 58 year old divorced white woman. I put myself thru school working part-time & with loans, which I have paid back. We bought 2 houses. When banks told us we could afford more of a loan than we were applying for, I looked at our budget, and said "No we can't." I am responsible for my budget, not the banks. We adopted 4 special needs children from foster care. We raised our children, participated in their schools and their activities, in our church. After the divorce, it's been a scramble to keep the head above water. Except for 9 months on Unemployment, I've worked every day, paid my bills and taken care of my family as best I could -- with no help from the government. There are days I don't feel like getting out of bed. I do anyway. I work in a call center, nothing close to my degree. I show up every day and work OT when I can. I save what I can. I buy clothes & furniture at St. Vinnie's, shop the dollar stores. I take my lunch & coffee in a thermos every day. I make my own way in this world. I am the 53%
Both of these pictures are true. I resent people who, tho able-bodied, live off the government -- off MY taxes. I don't think any true American begrudges help to those who need it. I believe most are like me, willing to give when & where it's truly needed, resentful of those who play the system, who don't even try.
So, as OccupyWallStreet plays out -- I agree that corporate greed that places profit before either people or right behavior is wrong, and needs to be reined in. I want to see an end to the worldwide banking community dictating America's policies.
But I also wonder whose money is paying for the Occupiers to sit out of life in New York -- and the other places the protests are occurring? Are Mommy & Daddy paying your way, so you can protest against the companies that pay them? The devices you use as you sit in the park and march down the streets are better than I can afford. Are your parents paying your way -- or is the government -- which means ME?
Are you registered to vote? DO you vote? I do -- every single election since I turned 18.
I believe we absolutely have the right to protest whatever we see as wrong in our government.
I also believe we have the ability, & the right, in this country, to work for what we want. Do you see the mega-corps as evil empires? Don't buy their products. Don't work for them. Don't owe money on their credit card. Save up & pay cash. Save in a credit union, or small, locally-owned bank.
I believe in Dave Ramsey's Great Recovery. Get out of debt & save money. We need to go back to handling our money the old-fashioned way. This will help each individual, and, on the way, help the country.
I don't know the ultimate answer. I only know what I believe is the right way to live my own life. I'm getting myself out of debt. I'm saving money. I won't patronize BoA, Chase (and I owe them money), or any of the other megas.
However, I will invest in companies that are working for MY dreams.
I am a 58 year old divorced white woman. I have a degree in Biology. I worked in my field for almost 10 years. Then I "mommy-tracked" for 5 years, raising the 4 children we adopted from foster care. When I went back to the workforce, I was divorced & responsible for 2 of my children. I took whatever job I could get. I've never taken government aid except for 9months of Unemployment Insurance (which I figure I earned after working since I was 17), in 2009. I moved into a roommate situation while I was unemployed to reduce my expenses. I work in a call center, which pays my living expenses. I work OT to have anything more. I just recently got back into my own apartment. After working all my life, I have $1200 in retirement savings. I can't see any way I can retire. Social security won't pay me enough to pay rent, Medicare, etc -- altho I've paid into it with every paycheck I've ever gotten. I don't have enough time to re-build a 401(k). I got my education, paid my student loans back, worked all my life, volunteered at my church(es) & community. I will work til the day I die. I am the 99%
I am the 53%
I am a 58 year old divorced white woman. I put myself thru school working part-time & with loans, which I have paid back. We bought 2 houses. When banks told us we could afford more of a loan than we were applying for, I looked at our budget, and said "No we can't." I am responsible for my budget, not the banks. We adopted 4 special needs children from foster care. We raised our children, participated in their schools and their activities, in our church. After the divorce, it's been a scramble to keep the head above water. Except for 9 months on Unemployment, I've worked every day, paid my bills and taken care of my family as best I could -- with no help from the government. There are days I don't feel like getting out of bed. I do anyway. I work in a call center, nothing close to my degree. I show up every day and work OT when I can. I save what I can. I buy clothes & furniture at St. Vinnie's, shop the dollar stores. I take my lunch & coffee in a thermos every day. I make my own way in this world. I am the 53%
Both of these pictures are true. I resent people who, tho able-bodied, live off the government -- off MY taxes. I don't think any true American begrudges help to those who need it. I believe most are like me, willing to give when & where it's truly needed, resentful of those who play the system, who don't even try.
So, as OccupyWallStreet plays out -- I agree that corporate greed that places profit before either people or right behavior is wrong, and needs to be reined in. I want to see an end to the worldwide banking community dictating America's policies.
But I also wonder whose money is paying for the Occupiers to sit out of life in New York -- and the other places the protests are occurring? Are Mommy & Daddy paying your way, so you can protest against the companies that pay them? The devices you use as you sit in the park and march down the streets are better than I can afford. Are your parents paying your way -- or is the government -- which means ME?
Are you registered to vote? DO you vote? I do -- every single election since I turned 18.
I believe we absolutely have the right to protest whatever we see as wrong in our government.
I also believe we have the ability, & the right, in this country, to work for what we want. Do you see the mega-corps as evil empires? Don't buy their products. Don't work for them. Don't owe money on their credit card. Save up & pay cash. Save in a credit union, or small, locally-owned bank.
I believe in Dave Ramsey's Great Recovery. Get out of debt & save money. We need to go back to handling our money the old-fashioned way. This will help each individual, and, on the way, help the country.
I don't know the ultimate answer. I only know what I believe is the right way to live my own life. I'm getting myself out of debt. I'm saving money. I won't patronize BoA, Chase (and I owe them money), or any of the other megas.
However, I will invest in companies that are working for MY dreams.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
The Battle of the Sexes is Real!
Jordan woman killed in hospital over pregnancy
They're killing us.
Why did we ever hook up with them in the 1st place? Why did we believe them when they said they'd "protect" us, take care of us? Who do they protect us from? Other men! Catch-22. Unless you have a man protecting you, you are at the mercy of any other --- MEN!
I'm not a man-hater. I'm not lesbian. I believe that the perfect reflection of God is the melding of man & woman. I believe "the 2 shall be as 1" is really true. The co-creative relationship of male & female is a synergy wherein the 2 individuals become a new creation that is more than the sum of it's parts. And best reflects the Almighty.
I like strong men. Men who want a partnership with the woman they love, and understand that one of their roles in that partnership is to protect & care for the woman when she is childbearing & -rearing. Not to make the woman les, but to preserve what they love.
That re-creation of God is not possible when one half of the reflection feels they can beat, abuse & kill the other half. It is not possible if men own women. It's not possible if women are seen as not-people.
Millennia of oppression in culture after culture leave me with one reaction to another report of this strange mindset in men. It's not outrage. It's not resignation. It's not activism. My response: Kill Him.
Do you think if we kill every man who abuses a woman, kills a woman (or child for that matter) -- maybe we'll remove the genes for that kind of deviant behavior from the human race? Can we get to them before they breed?
They're killing us.
Why did we ever hook up with them in the 1st place? Why did we believe them when they said they'd "protect" us, take care of us? Who do they protect us from? Other men! Catch-22. Unless you have a man protecting you, you are at the mercy of any other --- MEN!
I'm not a man-hater. I'm not lesbian. I believe that the perfect reflection of God is the melding of man & woman. I believe "the 2 shall be as 1" is really true. The co-creative relationship of male & female is a synergy wherein the 2 individuals become a new creation that is more than the sum of it's parts. And best reflects the Almighty.
I like strong men. Men who want a partnership with the woman they love, and understand that one of their roles in that partnership is to protect & care for the woman when she is childbearing & -rearing. Not to make the woman les, but to preserve what they love.
That re-creation of God is not possible when one half of the reflection feels they can beat, abuse & kill the other half. It is not possible if men own women. It's not possible if women are seen as not-people.
Millennia of oppression in culture after culture leave me with one reaction to another report of this strange mindset in men. It's not outrage. It's not resignation. It's not activism. My response: Kill Him.
Do you think if we kill every man who abuses a woman, kills a woman (or child for that matter) -- maybe we'll remove the genes for that kind of deviant behavior from the human race? Can we get to them before they breed?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
News & Messages
Spiritual shift yesterday:
1) I don't have to work a traditional/conventional job. What a concept!
2) Old people are awesome! Their bodies remember their "moves" even if they can't really do them any more.
What this all means, I have no idea. But there it is.
1) I don't have to work a traditional/conventional job. What a concept!
2) Old people are awesome! Their bodies remember their "moves" even if they can't really do them any more.
What this all means, I have no idea. But there it is.
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