I saw tonight that I've been trying to re-create, for myself, the life I had when I was married. This has been my response to having a life I liked taken away from me. "Well, if we aren't going to have the life I want, I'll just give it to myself!"
I saw how that attitude has kept me chained to the past, including the pain of the divorce. I was constantly looking at what I'd had, comparing it to what I had now, and feeling less than. I've been unable to let go. In addition, I'd been trying to do what I'd done before, to achieve that kind of life, and it hasn't worked. Get a corporate job, move up a few rungs, get comfortable financially, and live as I did before.
It hasn't worked. I've had so little energy. When I think of possible new steps at my job, the energy & enthusiasm just drain away. When I think of doing the same thing for the next 11yrs -- I feel desperate & futile.
I have a new life! I can't have a New Life by doing the same old things. I did that already. Not that they were wrong -- just they were right for then, but not for now.
Everything changed and I've tried so hard to put it back the way it was -- to prove that nothing has changed.
God has put me someplace new, and I've refused to budge/change.
I need to be open to the new, open to possibilities, open to being changed.
I've been scared to change more than what has been changed for me. I felt more secure if I kept everything else the same. I could point to things and tell myself I was still OK.
What if where I'm supposed to go is better than I can imagine? What if what I'm supposed to do means no more immobilizing fear?
Wow.
