Do I Work Hard For My Money?

I've always had a thing about making sure you knew I worked hard, that my job was hard, that I was justified in feeling tired or cranky at the end of the day.

I knew where it came from. When I was growing up, women who worked did so for "pin money", extras -- or to keep themselves occupied while the children were in school or husbands at work (earning the real money, doing the real jobs). Because their "real" jobs were to take care of their family, keep the house nice & organized, the meals coming, the clothes clean.

** This was all before I knew what a Job doing all that actually was. **

I got married in 1974, when we were just edging out of the expectation that a woman would work until she had children. Women who had children & continued to work were either lawyers, doctors or some other type of high-powered professional; or they were single moms (not well-thought of), or had a dead-beat husband who couldn't/wouldn't provide for them.

I was determined to continue my precious career (I didn't know what it was, but by God, I was going to continue it!), I wasn't going to be relegated to the back seat financially in our relationship, always dependent on my man's good graces for every penny! I was going to contribute!  My job wasn't just for pin money.

My job was not a joke.

So I made very sure you understood how hard I worked.

I think this thought process is no longer serving me.  I think I've incorporated the "I work hard, I'm tired" concept internally way past the point of positive returns.  Now I truly am always tired. Not as a justification - but really.

In the midwest, it was common to have other activities after work. No one I knew went home & vegged on a daily basis.  People kinda looked at you funny if that's all you did.  Getting out of work was the starting point for your "real" life.  On moving here, I discovered most people thought an 8 hour day, 5-6 days a week, to be horrendous, and that one should take it easy after work.

I admit, I absorbed that concept -- it fed my "Look at how hard I work" meme.  But now, I find myself longing for personal time, sleep, time to myself to do what I want with no expectations from others. My 8-9 hours a day seems too much. My job feels hard & tiring, like it sucks the energy out of me.

Is that true, am I tired? Or is it only my belief system? Is it truly different & more draining working a full week at 59, or am I starting to believe my own "advertising"?

I'm not sleepy-tired after a work day, but I'm out of enthusiasm, out of energy. I just want to be left alone. Most of the time, after a meal and about an hour and a half of vegging here on the 'puter, I'm ready to do something.

I need a better way to think about working. I'm going to experiment with changing my thoughts.  See if that changes my energy level.

Sparkling Love - Connection

When a man has a connection with a woman - when she makes his head swirl and completely captivates him, and she feels the same with him -- this is what we all reach for, yes? This is true love, a soul mate, the prize we all dream of having.

Except, women who have been able to do that, have, in times past, been killed for being witches. Especially if she captivates the wrong man -- such as the leader of the Church, or a married man.  Or many men.

It was too easy, in times past, for a man to explain his womanizing by blaming the woman -- the cry of "Witch!" was enough to exonerate him, and make sure she got run out of town, or killed.

The women who had that special sparkle, or the capacity to love totally, were weeded out - prevented from reproducing. What was left were those who could cast down their eyes, not fight back, tolerate loveless or brutal marriages "for the sake of the children."

But don't we all want, with the deepest fiber of our being, that complete connection with another person?  Don't we all want our world to sparkle, to thrill to the other's breath on our skin, in our hair?